I wish to be a yoginis

Practice yoga sometimes, how many year? Sorry I lost count. May be actively practice like 3-4 years?? I not sure. Recently, I back on tread. Try to get the flexibility after almost 1 year of stopping it. Yea, I get some back. I am happy.

But things doesn't really go well. 

Being a SLE patient for more than 10 years, I really miss the time when it was fully under control, and I can actively do whatever I like. I had taking prednisolones in my life for more than 10 years, high dose, low dose, all I been through before. However, it wasn't really that wonderful.  

The 8th year of my SLE life, my rheumatic problem getting not under control that even under medication, I have to experience the pain every month. And right now, it come out another reason for the rheumatic pain could be due to the side effects of the drugs I had been taken all these while. Is not about SLE anymore as the trend of the blood test result is same.

I am frustrated, really so frustrated. Everytime when it pain, I have to stop yoga or any physical workout. Weak joints just stopping to do any stronger poses like hand stand, is an impossible pose for me to try on. Especially nowadays, the pain happen too frequent until when I read through my diary, up of 30 days in a month, I experienced the pain for 15 - 20 days. 

What is the quality of life? And I am just 29 this year. How long or I should ask how worse it will turn in future?

Selena Gomez also a SLE patient. Peoples in the public including your doctors just see you as a normal well-being. When pain, I have to force myself to walk like normal to avoid any question out there because is really tired to explain to peoples who have no idea about what is SLE. 

May be I am just not the lucky one... 

Wishes for 2013

Thanks God for letting me safely passed through the year 2012, 

eventhough bound with ups and downs. 

The most important is God listen to my prayer I had made in 01.01.2012, 

eventhough I had done many mistakes. 

Thank You very muchie... 

The coming year 2013, I have another wishes to pray to God. I am not going to share my wishes here like what I did in 2012. 

That's only between me and You. 

God, please listen to my prayers, 

let my wishes come true in 2013. 

Amen.

值得与否？

在生命中，我们不断的作决定。

作决定最大的难处，

就是当你要舍去一个对你很重要的东西或事情。

有时我在想我做这个决定而放弃了我从小的梦想，

值得吗？偏偏没有人能告诉我。

我已经为我的前途放弃了两次梦想，

我还能有机会实现它吗？

A gift?

I ever thought that having this problem for 10 years is a precious gift from God so that I can have the 'care' and more attention from my family and friends. I also thought that this is a gift from God that can help me pass in my appeal, can save me from the fate of being transferred. But everything now prove that it is not a gift. It is just a troublesome to make my life tougher. In others' eyes, I seem to be normal. But I can surely tell everyone that only the person who suffered from the same problem can feel and understand what is the meaning of 'living a normal life which might not be normal'.

Everyone listen to my problem, have no way to console me. Everyone end up asking me to pray. For me, it is not effective in consoling me even over the pass 10 years. For me, it is just a way to end the topic, to end the chatting. So please, never tell me that again if you don't want to make me hate to talk to you. I'm not deny the presence of God or do not believe in Him. But if this way can comfort me, why do I need to speak it out and feeling that bad?? Just a listener, fine enough to make me feel better. Do not need any suggestion or teach me how to do.

Should I or Shouldn't I?

Is it living alone will always make a girl to think too much? Yea, I think so, at least it is truly happen to me. I always think should I try to appeal back to my hometown again? Should I ask another formal head letter from my panel doctor to try again? Would I wasted my efforts again or I should try again and again? One of the doctor tell me I should appeal before I get the posting not after I already being posted. Is it that is the reason why I failed in my first appeal?

I wish to go back my hometown to work. But when I think of working as a gov. servant, when being promoted, that will be a big chance to being transferred again. Is it I should get use to this type of life since I already chosen to be a gov. servant?

Many question marks appearing and appearing in my mind and none of them got an answer. This type of life will maintain how long? I don't know in others' eyes am I a strong lady or not but I know I am not. I am weak in my inner part and actually I don't like to be always alone. Working, outing or at home, all is myself. I don't mind to live alone but not all the time alone. Do not have anyone can share my feeling, do not have anyone to give a hand when I needed help.

I really hope I can get rid of this type of life very soon.

Living a normal life which may not be normal

This title I was seen in one of the blog which really bring out what I had feel over these pass 10 years.. I had been living a normal life which may not be normal over these 10 years and I know it will be continue without ending. I thought I should get used to it but somehow I am not positive minded as what I think. I failed to do that.

To those my close friends and family, I know you all will understand what I mean of living a normal life which may not be normal. This year middle of the month of April, she received a fact that she never think it will be happened to her. She din't tell her family what is the problem she facing, she only allowed herself to tell her close friends who she think she can feel comfort to share. She never plan to let many people know and thought that the friends she told can be trusted but somehow, it was not as what she think. One of her friend telling other people without asking her permission. And, after she noticed that and mad at her friend. Her friend NEVER say sorry to her and saying what she do she don't feel is a problem. But her friend, never stand on her side to think her feelings. Mind or not mind, a problem or not a problem is not other people can judge, I AM THE ONE SHOULD JUDGE IT!! Anyway, she friend back with her friend doesn't mean she don't mind what she had did to her any more, but she don't plan to lose a friend who has been helping her so much all these while.

This blog indirectly become a place for me to release my feelings and unpleasant. I don't want to affect other people by keep on sharing my feelings to them. It had been 10 years, if I keep on doing that may be I will lose more friends later. Starting from last month, I has been leaving my family again. But this time, I am not future study any more but to work. I never expect this will happen to me. I never plan to work in a place that is far from my family. But this year, I had made a big choice in my life. My new place, is strange for me. Unlike study time, do not have any friend around me. Honestly, until now I am still alone. I do feel lonely most of the time but if that is the choice I made, I have to face it without regret. Far from family and friends, when she fall sick, nobody will take care and helping her. She wondering what would it be but she will not turning her back..

No title

Recently she is in capricious mood.. sometimes she is okay, but sometimes stay in emo mode especially after experienced insomnia for 1 week plus ..

Why? cos she doesn't feel good.. she feel thing doesn't getting better.. she is worry and she is very disappointed to herself. Thing happen to her, only the person who are in the incident can feel it..people out there only see her as normal..

She has this problem for 10 years.. When the thing just happened, she found it hard to accept. But yet, finally she accepted it.. Take care herself well enough. Friends ever found her very 'missy', classmate ever laughed at her.. is she ever cry? yes, she did.. but she make it silent..

She din't care what all the people said, still continue what she should do and shouldn't do... 10 years, nothing too bad ever happen to her.. but after 10 years, things turn to another way round.. She is very disappointed to herself even though she had accepted it too.. is there any chance to go back to the condition in few years before? No one can answer her..

She only hope things can getting better ...