值得与否？

在生命中，我们不断的作决定。

作决定最大的难处，

就是当你要舍去一个对你很重要的东西或事情。

有时我在想我做这个决定而放弃了我从小的梦想，

值得吗？偏偏没有人能告诉我。

我已经为我的前途放弃了两次梦想，

我还能有机会实现它吗？

A gift?

I ever thought that having this problem for 10 years is a precious gift from God so that I can have the 'care' and more attention from my family and friends. I also thought that this is a gift from God that can help me pass in my appeal, can save me from the fate of being transferred. But everything now prove that it is not a gift. It is just a troublesome to make my life tougher. In others' eyes, I seem to be normal. But I can surely tell everyone that only the person who suffered from the same problem can feel and understand what is the meaning of 'living a normal life which might not be normal'.

Everyone listen to my problem, have no way to console me. Everyone end up asking me to pray. For me, it is not effective in consoling me even over the pass 10 years. For me, it is just a way to end the topic, to end the chatting. So please, never tell me that again if you don't want to make me hate to talk to you. I'm not deny the presence of God or do not believe in Him. But if this way can comfort me, why do I need to speak it out and feeling that bad?? Just a listener, fine enough to make me feel better. Do not need any suggestion or teach me how to do.

Should I or Shouldn't I?

Is it living alone will always make a girl to think too much? Yea, I think so, at least it is truly happen to me. I always think should I try to appeal back to my hometown again? Should I ask another formal head letter from my panel doctor to try again? Would I wasted my efforts again or I should try again and again? One of the doctor tell me I should appeal before I get the posting not after I already being posted. Is it that is the reason why I failed in my first appeal?

I wish to go back my hometown to work. But when I think of working as a gov. servant, when being promoted, that will be a big chance to being transferred again. Is it I should get use to this type of life since I already chosen to be a gov. servant?

Many question marks appearing and appearing in my mind and none of them got an answer. This type of life will maintain how long? I don't know in others' eyes am I a strong lady or not but I know I am not. I am weak in my inner part and actually I don't like to be always alone. Working, outing or at home, all is myself. I don't mind to live alone but not all the time alone. Do not have anyone can share my feeling, do not have anyone to give a hand when I needed help.

I really hope I can get rid of this type of life very soon.

Living a normal life which may not be normal

This title I was seen in one of the blog which really bring out what I had feel over these pass 10 years.. I had been living a normal life which may not be normal over these 10 years and I know it will be continue without ending. I thought I should get used to it but somehow I am not positive minded as what I think. I failed to do that.

To those my close friends and family, I know you all will understand what I mean of living a normal life which may not be normal. This year middle of the month of April, she received a fact that she never think it will be happened to her. She din't tell her family what is the problem she facing, she only allowed herself to tell her close friends who she think she can feel comfort to share. She never plan to let many people know and thought that the friends she told can be trusted but somehow, it was not as what she think. One of her friend telling other people without asking her permission. And, after she noticed that and mad at her friend. Her friend NEVER say sorry to her and saying what she do she don't feel is a problem. But her friend, never stand on her side to think her feelings. Mind or not mind, a problem or not a problem is not other people can judge, I AM THE ONE SHOULD JUDGE IT!! Anyway, she friend back with her friend doesn't mean she don't mind what she had did to her any more, but she don't plan to lose a friend who has been helping her so much all these while.

This blog indirectly become a place for me to release my feelings and unpleasant. I don't want to affect other people by keep on sharing my feelings to them. It had been 10 years, if I keep on doing that may be I will lose more friends later. Starting from last month, I has been leaving my family again. But this time, I am not future study any more but to work. I never expect this will happen to me. I never plan to work in a place that is far from my family. But this year, I had made a big choice in my life. My new place, is strange for me. Unlike study time, do not have any friend around me. Honestly, until now I am still alone. I do feel lonely most of the time but if that is the choice I made, I have to face it without regret. Far from family and friends, when she fall sick, nobody will take care and helping her. She wondering what would it be but she will not turning her back..

No title

Recently she is in capricious mood.. sometimes she is okay, but sometimes stay in emo mode especially after experienced insomnia for 1 week plus ..

Why? cos she doesn't feel good.. she feel thing doesn't getting better.. she is worry and she is very disappointed to herself. Thing happen to her, only the person who are in the incident can feel it..people out there only see her as normal..

She has this problem for 10 years.. When the thing just happened, she found it hard to accept. But yet, finally she accepted it.. Take care herself well enough. Friends ever found her very 'missy', classmate ever laughed at her.. is she ever cry? yes, she did.. but she make it silent..

She din't care what all the people said, still continue what she should do and shouldn't do... 10 years, nothing too bad ever happen to her.. but after 10 years, things turn to another way round.. She is very disappointed to herself even though she had accepted it too.. is there any chance to go back to the condition in few years before? No one can answer her..

She only hope things can getting better ...

Start New Sem, Start Teaching SOon

Yoh, since changed the working environment...
I was free for about two months without teaching...
early of these two months, while the program coordinator haven't decide the subjects for me..
I was really damn free until every day watched series in the office...
anyway, few weeks after, I got to know the subjects I am going to teach...
at first, to be honest, I was lazy and wasted so much precious time until left about 3 weeks I only start to hardworking..
at the end, I failed to complete all the preparation that I should do and I planned to do...

Anyway, next Monday is the first day I start teach in this college..
I hope everything will be fine...
even though there are quite a number of problematic students..
But I hope God will assist me to handle all these students...
And I do hope that I able to get close with them and able to communicate with them...
Ganbatte to myself and also all my colleagues =)

What is l.o.v.e?

been quite long I had not post any blog...

may be just because of having normal life all these while...

nothing special, nothing to comment, nothing to post...

suddenly this morning something come to my mind that I think I need to release it out here...

otherwise no one can ensure that I won't become mad after long...

as in my title, I don't understand what is L.O.V.E...

common sense: because of L.O.V.E, so a couple will get married and start a new family...

but at my home, I CAN'T get the meaning of L.O.V.E...

I can get the L.O.V.E from my mum, from my dad as well as from my sisters...

but, I can't see the L.O.V.E between both of my parents..

for me, they don't have L.O.V.E between each other...

if no L.O.V.E, what for together?

it is very stress after work go home, listening to those arguing noises on those minus matters.. suck!!

people always hope to relax after work, but what I am facing?

I get more stress after work...

and, I somemore ever get into nightmare about my parents...

almost every day arguing arguing...

some of the people might said ''夫妻嘛，床头吵架床尾合,这叫做情趣"

I tell you I will say 去他妈的情趣!!

to be honest, if not because of in Christian not allow to divorce, I will rather suggest my parents to divorce...

no point to continue the relationship if always arguing to each other..

just like a couple, no point to be together if not happy...

people might be confuse and feel weird why some of the married couples divorced in an old age...

but now I think I can understand why...

The feeling before go to training

Yesterday I been informed that I will going to attend training at Cheras on next Monday..

At first, I was really very super duper excited..

because beside can going to experience the training life,

I can also get to meet my friends there...

Seriously, I am really miss them so much <3

Anyway, the feeling of happy now changes to worry..

This morning my colleague here was telling me the experiences she having when she went through the training over there..

She said she was stayed in the old hostel of the campus there,

and experienced being bitten by bedbug very seriously..

I, who are phobia to bedbug..

Now is really damn worry how I am going to be bitten by them..

I ever tried to look for the bedbug killer (spray) for many months..

but until now, I unable to get it..

Do anyone know where I can get the bedbug killer?

I am really need it now, can you help me?

Feeling fAn fAn fAn

So fAn...

I was doing something stupid in the end bringing something that I dunno how to choose and decide for myself...

Yet, tomorrow I need to have a decision..

date line coming..

how?

Accept? Reject?

After listen all the advices...

After having a try to change the condition stated in the contract...

After I met the failure to change the things I dun like...

Still I decided to accept without any happiness but worry~

The FIRST time I get an offer without feel any happy...

sO FuNny?

Failed ~

I ever hope to get it..
Ever dream to get it..
Anyway, after wait for 1 month,
the result showed that I was failed~
I ever prayed to let the God do the decision for everything..
But, honestly, when I get the result, I did feel the sadness and disappointment...
Is that mean that my pray is not truly from the heart?
Or actually it was just a normal response or feeling for a human?
Anyway, I hope this feeling wont take me so long...
I hope tomorrow, everything will turn back to normal...

And, I hope tomorrow will be better...

God Bless**

Next Stop

I have no idea where is my next stop
I let the God to do the decision
I dare not to think
dare not to worry
I just want to wait
Wait the day I get the right decision
God, Bless me
Calm
Believe on God

别人的心情

最近经常听到或看到朋友们不开心。。。
她们写的blog,status,shoutout等等。。。
都清楚地带出她们的不开心。。。
很想帮她们解脱忧伤。。。
很想让她们像以前那样快乐。。。
但，往往感情的事情，第三者是什么都帮不了。。。
只能默默地支持她们。。。
做她们的聆听者。。。

A Big Task for Me

Tomorrow I will having a big task to go..
For me, It will be great and challenging~
But for other, may be not~
Honestly I do not have any confident to success...
I just treat it as a chance for me to get a wonderful experience...
But I will do it as best as I can..
Just let the God to do the decision...=)
Anyway, ~Wish me luck~ okay.. ;)

So angry~!!

haiz... I thought this time reformat, the lappie will go smooth...
ya... is really function so well after reformat...
but then is only for 1 week...
Yesterday is infected by virus again~!!
And, is from the SAME person's pendrive who infected me before~!
What so cursing ar?!
If already know the pendrive got virus still plug in my lappie?!
Don't you know that I very sayang my lappie and hate to being infected by virus?
What already reformatted the pendrive before?!
if after reformatted, you still save the files from the PC that got virus, sure la the virus go into the pendrive again la~!
use butt to think also know la k~!

But 1 thing it is really weird..
every time after infected by virus, the problem of the keyboard gone?
how come?
the virus can cure the keyboard's problem? @.@

心情

最近我真的很不开心...
原本以为毕业后可以做自己爱做的事,所以去报名学跳舞...
结果学了几个月,都没有突破的感觉,觉得非常乏味...
是我太心急,还是我选错班了?

每天都有做不完的工作...
从我开始做这份工以来,从未有过'大功告成'的满足感...
天天都有不同的事和压力...
还要对着这么多又懒又没耳朵的学生,真的把我的耐心给耗尽了...

学生成绩不好,上头就只会怪教师不会教书..
又有谁会想想学生真的完全对吗?
教是教了,题目都给了,学生不愿意去读去做,我们能怎样?
他们都这么大了,又不是小学生,还要像教小学生那样逼他们做功课?
不觉得可笑吗?
还是要像其他教师教我的的那样,帮学生写答案然后给他们分?
这样还有意义吗?我真的做不出!!

我很累,真的很累...
这种乏味的生活还要过多久?身边根本没有一个知己...
每天放工回家,不是继续做还没完成的工作,就是用戏来让自己没有空荡去想其它事情...
很多人都会这么说:"你还有我们这些朋友啊~"
但'朋友',又有几个会真正在你需要时出现在你身边?
十个好朋友里,往往有九个在有了新欢后,就不可能再是'好'朋友了..
说起来是人知常情,但往往是最无情的~

Storm Lily

Been busy recently...
lacking time to miss or think about other things...
people, friends, things that had happened before...

*Storm Lily*

this flower actually mean nothing to me..
But, indirectly...Someone using it and had made me think about the things that had happened passed few monthssss...
Many things & Many Friendsss...
all these had changed me a lot...
I will always remember them and keep them as my memories ..
**Miss**

feeling unstable

This morning, I went to Education Department to apply Temporary Teacher...
First I went to Simpang Tiga, but the people there asked me to go Bako Department...
That was very far away and me and my mum dunno the way to go...
luckily a Malay woman was nice enough to bring us go there...
we follow her car at the back until we reached the place...

On the way go to Bako, I only recalled that i forgot to bring my passport size photo..
but that time was too late to get back home..
Thought can try and see may be the people there can nice enough to allow me apply without photo...
But yet, disappointed me...
The lady said I had to follow the rules...
so the only thing I can do is get the application form go back home and complete it...
But seem like the hope to get the offer is not that bright...
cos there are many candidates already summited their application form...T__T

And, right now my heart feeling heavy..
i like teaching but i dun feel want to go for KPLI...
for sure, Temporary teacher job is really unstable...
thought I can get the offer and in the meanwhile I can try to look for other stable job...
but it is really make me feel unsafe...
When can I settle down my career problem??

anyway, 1 thing which can made me feel abit happy is my dream has having a good start tonight...
If you are my friend, then i think you know what is my dream =)
Sorry because I dint mention clearly here because I just wish to tell when i really achieve something...
My dream and my career, both also important and very need to be balanced up..
if my career unstable, I will having problem to achieve my dream life...
Sigh~ I really feeling worry...
Hoping God can help me .. Amen...

Very Disappointed Me

TOd@y is my first day at the college...
@t first I very welcome the day I start to work here, even though I got some unsatisfactory with the offer too...
But after today...I really feel very disappointed...
I am just like being cheated by the Principal...

Offer as a Tutor but work both Tutor & Lecturer's worksss...
This is still ok...
But what I heard from the old staffs here, the basic salary would not be increased even after the probation period...
wtf?! First time I heard got such an organization...
They will only give some allowances after we become the permanent staff but the basic salary will still the same even though you work for yearsss...
They are very mean...They are just like want to decrease as much as possible the amount they need to pay for our EPF...
and the allowances which are not stable can be easily removed by the organization as the reason of economic crisis....

Besides that, after become a permanent staff, resignation need to be informed THREE months earlier >.<'''
THREE monthssss~!! so much~!!
normally only ONE month notification ma...
but this organization's rules are so damn~!!
It is just like restricted us to get another offer of job before we decide to leave the organization~
sigh~!! Really wtf wtf wtf wtf~!!!
I thought after I work here my life can be more stable as I dun need to worry about my career again...
but now? everything just disappointed me a lot~

A word or A sentence that can easily change your mood

Today actually I having a nice mood ...
but, just a few minutes ago..
Someone just changed my mood with a very simple sentence...
It might be true but is it too straight?
ya, ACTUALLY is myself problem...
people just try to be straight to the point...
but it sometime can be very cool and hurt~
but is okay... straight might be a good thing also...
and the person who telling thing like this might be the person who dunno to talk or express his/her thinking/feeling in a better way...
and he/she also a person who dunno to take care of other people feeling...
so, it might not completely my own problem...
cheerZzzz up Jennifer~!!

甜美的梦

梦见了她最想念的人...
好甜的梦...
却一点也不真实...
好想永远留在梦里...
但,残忍的闹钟声还是把她惊醒了~


他最近过得好吗?
我想... 应该是很好~~很好~~